Monday, March 7, 2011

I want to be my GrandMom

When my grand mom was young, she did not go to school, did housework all day, looked after her siblings and was married by the age of 12.She married my granddad who had a very strict mother, who actually taught my grand mom her way of doing things, assisted her in all her childbirth and her recovery from it and also looked after her kids.Now I am not saying my Grand mom's mother in law was a goddess from heaven, she obliviously had her own way of hurting my grand mom, but at least she supported my grand mom in every hardship she faced.My grandmom did not have to bother about working, since women did not go to work.She need not bother about money, coz she had very limited desires due to very limited exposure.In general, she led a very contented life, since she stuck to   cooking, cleaning, washing and trying to keep the ""Pati Parmeshwar" happy.This was the story of my paternal grandmom.But my maternal grandmom though she did all the above, she filled her daughters with desire to study and go to work.She made sure that they studied hard got good marks and got a job, so that they neednt ask their husband money as she did.
My mom studied hard, got a post graduate degree, got a job and married.She and my dad had dreams to give their children much more than what they had as children.Grandmom thankfully looked after me and my sis when we were small and supported my mom in her career.My parents worked hard built a house, bought a car by the time I was 6, put us to best schools, and gave us vacation twice a year.During my childhood I fondly remember the vacations which my dad had meticulously planned , though there was no internet.The hotel rooms which were booked much in advance still makes me feel grateful to the vacations my parents took us to.Of course we did not wear branded clothes, did not have hi fi toys, but we made sure that we have just enuff of what all was needed, not too much, nor too little.My parents never pushed us for anything, they gave us freedom to study what we wanted and thus I caught up the Engineering bus and became an engineer.
I finished my Engineering, got a job in a MNC and like most of the Bangalore ans,became a software engineer and got married to a boy my parents chose for me.I  changed companies, worked late, got pay hikes, just like my husband who also worked late.I traveled on site on work, made money and then realizing that my biological clock is ticking had a baby.Now having no support system as my mother had, nor the heart to leave a small baby to that day care I am at home.
Again back to square one, I am doing what my grand mom was doing during her days.I am at home, doing what she was doing.But the difference is, I have worked so ,I know the value of money.I am stressed out, coz probably at the back of my mind, I am jealous of my friends who have excellent support system to fall back.I cannot be content like Grand mom, since very week there is a new sale , new car, new jewelery shop being launched.I am worried that other women who work might judge me as some one who was not serious about my job.I am worried that my husband S might feel that he works all day while I am at home.I feel insecure if my house is not clean coz people might remark that I am at home all day and still manage not to find time to do house work.I am scared that my daughter someday might feel that, if I worked like other moms probably she could have had a better life.I feel bad that my parents gave me education, and here I am not putting it to any use.  But deep down , I know that probably I am doing what has to be done.Probably I am being wise for being there for my daughter when she is small rather than retiring early when she is in her teenage and dosent want  me around.
But still I wish I was in my Grand mom's generation, when I dint have to be worried or apologetic for choosing  not to work for  being just a wife and mother.

1 comment:

  1. But aren't you glad that all your education and work experience is there if you need it? To fall back on? That peace of mind is better than the ignorance our grand mother generation ladies were in. Nice post. My mother herself is not educated, so she falls into the same category as your grand mom, except for one thing. She is the best treasurer or finance minister in the world which, made sure that all her kids had good life to start.